Suitcase Sabotage: Holiday Cat Chaos

A suitcase has appeared on the bedroom floor, and I, Erik, have questions.

Why is there a suspicious rectangle with zips in my house? Why are the hoomans putting clothes into it? Why has nobody submitted a travel request with a suitable treat-based deposit?

I may look relaxed, but do not be fooled. I am monitoring the situation from inside the suitcase, because this is where the evidence is.

Key Takeaways

A suitcase on the floor is not luggage, hoomans. It is clearly a luxury cat bed with zips.
Erik’s suitcase sabotage begins with occupation, continues with distraction and ends with maximum guilt.
Packing is much easier when supervised by a cat, especially if every outfit receives emergency fur.
If hoomans really must go away, reliable cat care, fresh water, clear instructions and familiar comforts are essential.
The best holiday souvenir is your swift return, followed by snacks, praise and possibly a bag I can sit in.

Did you know some cats feel calmer staying in their own familiar home while their hoomans are away? Tell me, would your cat choose a sitter, a cattery, or simply climbing into the suitcase?

The Suitcase Is Mine Now

Let us begin with the obvious. If you place a suitcase on the floor, you have created a cat bed.

If you then fill that suitcase with jumpers, clean T-shirts and a towel that smells like the airing cupboard, you have created a deluxe cat bed.

The hoomans call this “packing”. I call it “improving my nap facilities”.

Should a hooman attempt to remove me, I shall return immediately, but heavier. One minute, we are a cloud of fluff, and the next, we are a furry bag of cement with opinions.

Cat fur on holiday clothes is not a problem. It is a souvenir before you have even left.

Packing Assistance, Whether Requested Or Not

Hoomans often struggle with packing. They forget important things, such as biscuits, my favourite toy, and me.

Luckily, I am available to supervise.

First, I inspect all clothing. This involves sitting on it. Then I check shoes, because shoes are suspicious little caves. Toiletries must be sniffed. Socks may need rearranging for artistic reasons.

My brothers, Ernie and Eddy, may also provide assistance. This assistance may look like chaos to the untrained eye, but that is because hoomans do not understand our methods.

My Official Packing Checklist

Essential item	Why it must be packed
Emergency cat toy	For morale, obviously
Several layers of fur	So you remember who owns you
Biscuit crumb	A tiny snack for uncertain times
Judgemental stare	Useful at airports and hotel breakfasts
Me	The most important travel document

If your suitcase does not contain at least three of these, it is not ready.

Why Hoomans Should Not Holiday Without Their Cat

I have heard the excuses.

“You’ll be happier at home, Erik.”

“It’s only a few days, Erik.”

“You cannot come along in the hand luggage, Erik.”

Rude.

Who will supervise the house while you are away? Who will maintain cushion standards? Who will sit in the warm patch of sunlight and make sure it is working properly?

The OH ERIK! household does not run itself. There are naps to schedule and bowls to inspect.

A holiday without your cat may seem peaceful, but peace is overrated. What you need is a small furry manager with whiskers.

The Three Stages Of Suitcase Sabotage

Since you appear determined to continue with this “holiday” nonsense, I shall explain my professional process.

Stage One: Occupy

Climb into the suitcase. Make eye contact. Do not blink.

This establishes ownership and creates a legal argument, probably.

Stage Two: Distract

While the hooman folds clothes, create activity elsewhere. A sock may vanish. A zip may be investigated. A packed pile may be pushed sideways in the name of quality control.

Stage Three: Guilt

This is the final and most powerful stage.

Sit near the suitcase. Look small. Look noble. Look as if you have never been loved, fed or admired, even if all three happened seven minutes ago.

For extra effect, place one paw on a pair of trousers.

Important Holiday Safety Notes From A Very Sensible Cat

Now, I may be dramatic, but I am also wise. If hoomans truly must leave the house, they should make proper arrangements.

Cats like routine. We like familiar smells, predictable meals and knowing which chair belongs to us, even when it belongs to someone else.

Before you go away, make sure your cat has:

A trusted sitter, family member, friend or suitable cattery arranged in good time
Clear feeding instructions
Fresh water
Clean litter trays
Medication details, if needed
Favourite toys, blankets and hiding places listed
Emergency contact information
Plenty of admiration before departure

You should also tell the person caring for your cat about our personality. Some cats want cuddles. Some cats want company from a respectful distance. Some cats require applause.

For more whiskery wisdom, browse the cat tips on my blog. You may also enjoy reading my cat books.

What Hoomans Should Bring Back

If you insist on going, you may improve the situation by returning with gifts.

Acceptable holiday offerings include:

Treats
A bag I can sit in
A box from a gift shop
Something crinkly
A blanket that smells faintly of adventure
Immediate praise

Fridge magnets are less useful unless they can be knocked off. Postcards are acceptable if they are addressed to me. I may also allow cat bags and cat greeting cards, because taste is important.

The best gift, of course, is your return. Promptly. With snacks.

Fine, You May Go, But I Am Not Happy About It

After much consideration, I may permit the holiday.

I shall remain at home, in charge of the soft furnishings, the windowsills and the general moral tone of the household. Ernie and Eddy may assist, although I accept no responsibility for what they do with your socks.

Go carefully, hoomans. Enjoy yourselves a sensible amount. Then come home and tell me I am beautiful.

Purrs,
Erik
(With suspicious glances from Ernie and Eddy)

P.S. If you fancy treating yourself or another fabulous hooman, have a peek at my gift shop. There are notebooks, tote bags, t-shirts, books, cards and all sorts of purrfect goodies inspired by my wonderfully whiskered world. Perfect for cat lovers, suitcase saboteurs and anyone who knows that no outfit is complete without a little emergency fur.